Tonya was the name given to me at birth. Tonya Michelle. But it's not who I am, not who I want to be, or who I'm meant to become. It doesn't fit me at all, it's uncomfortable to the nerves of my spirit.
I want a name that’s comfortable. Carefree. Loved. A name that's somewhat odd, but enjoyable. Celestial Blue. Pheesh. Chryss. Something I can relate to, that fits the inner me, something that is me.
But enough of that. You want to know about me, right? The details. The sadness and pain in my life, so you can compare, connect, relate. Maybe that's how one makes friends, forms connections. And yet, I long for individuality, something that sets me apart.
I do want friends though, I long for those as well. So for that purpose, I shall tell you the basics. I love nature. I'm married and want children. I'm generally antisocial and really shy, until I get to know someone. Getting me to really open up though, that’s the trick. I'm emotional, and yes, at times a bit dramatic. My list of hobbies consists of a myriad of things, including reading, writing, photography, movies, and rpgs. I love most animals, and I especially think rats are adorable.
That's great. But I thought you wanted to see the real me? To get to know me as I know myself?
I'm intuitive, creative, and a dreamer. I'm a pisces, through and through. I feel a strong connection with nature, and I'm most at home in a forest, surrounded by trees and the sounds of animals. Or standing outside, barefoot in the grass, with rain falling down on me. Rain, trees, nature...those are the things that help keep me centered, in an otherwise unstable world.
Most of the time, I feel disconnected from the rest of the world. I think I would do just fine living out in the country, just me, my husband, and our pets, separated from the rest of civilization. And yet, I have an empathic nature towards people, and I can sense their emotions. I have little control over that side of me though, and the moods of those around me often influence my own mood, both in happiness and sadness, excitement and frustration.
I see beauty in everything, and it captivates me...but I fail to recognize any in myself. I am utterly, undeniably flawed. I am a shadow on the wall, invisible to most, though a lot of the time that’s just the way I like it. But sometimes, I wish someone would notice me, smile, and call out to me. My true self is deeply hidden from all, except for those who know me best, the very few that I've let in. I am like the moon, illuminated only by the rays of others, but longing to strike out on my own. To find the inner light within myself, and outshine even the sun during the darkest eclipse. But, I also know that it's a forlorn, unfulfillable desire. See? I refuse to even call it hope.
It's not that I don't see good things in myself. But there is nothing special about me. Nothing unique. Nothing that catches the eye of people, making them stop and smile, and remember me. That’s what I really desire, what I need...to be something different, something special.
After all, in the end, if you're not something special, aren't you really nothing at all?
(Bio written by myself and dagain. Much thanks goes to her.)
Look deep into her soul, and all that you'll find is a darkness overwhelming, flooding her mind.
A word is not the same with one writer as with another. One tears it from his guts. The other pulls it out of his overcoat pocket. ~Charles Peguy
If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it. ~Toni Morrison
The Doctor: I thought you were supposed to be dying. The Face of Boe: There are better things to do today. Dying can wait.